not going back to school

For the past 24 Augusts I've prepared to go back to school, either as a student or as a teacher. This particular August is different because I'm not getting ready for school to start. It's really strange not to be making lists of my new students, planning the first few days when I lay down the law, not sitting in teacher meetings only halfway listening to what's being presented -  I'd really only be thinking about all the stuff that's not ready yet for the first day. Last year was my dress rehearsal for this day. While I was in a school environment, I wasn't teaching. I guess that part makes this year a little easier.

I've had to change the channel on the tv when school supply commercials come on, or ignore posts from fellow teachers on Facebook - I get a little teary-eyed every time I think about not teaching this year.

Deciding to "stay at home" and "not work" has been the most difficult decision I've ever made. In my almost 3 months of motherhood, it's the thing that I struggle with most on many levels and in different ways. It's also the decision I've sought more wisdom about than anything before. It's so hard because there is no right or wrong. I used to think I could do it all. I used to think that I could have my cake and eat it too. But the problem is that I want to grow/raise the ingredients, make the cake in the oven I made, taste a few, perfect it, eat one, and then sell the rest on etsy.

I love work. I thrive off of doing, achieving, and being recognized for it {if you know me from my high school and college days your're probably shaking your head yes}. I also love my babe and want the best for him. So I've come to terms with the fact that I can't have/do it all. I can't work {teach} and give my all to teaching and loving 100ish students properly and still take proper care of my family {Tom and Simon, oh, and Agnes of course}.

I'm trying to grow in my confidence that I made the right decision to stay at home for now to train up my child in the way he should go, so that even when he is old he will not depart from it {Prov 22:6}. 

{I did break down and buy some fine tip Korean pens I've wanted to buy for over a year.}